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Link me!
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FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! That's all I can think of right now. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!
Thank God that's out of my system, for the time being. I want to smash something. So angry tonight. People suck. I remember now why I'm antisocial. People suck because they think they know what's going on. They think they know what you need to do. Well people, my business, is my business. Wanna get into it? Better be ready to call the cops, because the minute you bring up something that is none of your biz, I'm going to kick your ass.
God... I just want to murder everyone today. I'm fucking angry and pissed off about something. I have no clue what, but I'm pretty sure it's got a lot to do with my "friends" and the shit they've done to me.
- Cal left for the army a few weeks ago and left nothing but an IM while I was at work.
- Casey has turned into a complete bitch.
- Travis is the only god damn thing on my mind and I haven't heard from him in 2 weeks.
- The neighbor's kids have been banging on the door all day.
- I'm sick, again.
- I forgot to take my meds, again.
- I've lost my patience with myself, again.
- I keep pushing myself too far.
- My old band mates are having a fucking fit.
So there you have it people. The longest god damn list in RK history. A lot to explain.
1.) Cal left for the army a few weeks ago. He left me an IM when I was at work that just said something like, "Hey Ally, going to join the army. See you when I get back. Love ya, Cal." So I'm sitting here fucking pissed about the fact that I had to work that mother fucking Sunday. FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!
2.) Casey is just being a bitch. She gets engaged and pretty soon it's like she can't have fun anymore. She's turning into an old woman, and she's only 19. What the fuck is up with that? Why live at all if you can't have a little fun?
3.) You all know that Travis is the number one thing on my mind. I'm always thinking about him. I miss him so much. It's not fair... I need to talk to him. I really, really, really do. Please Travis... email me.
4.) The neighbor's kids have expressed their death wish once again. I guess no one told them to be careful what you wish for...
5.) My friend the flu has decided to come visit me for the third or fourth time this year. I have been sick a lot lately. I need to knock that off.
6.) I forgot to take my meds, so I'm of course bitchy, stressed, depressed, and suicidal. Fucking whee.
7.) & 8.) I've been expecting way too much of myself lately. I need to stop and figure out what my limits are, as well as the limits of others. I cannot stop it though. For some reason I keep pushing myself. One day I'll push myself right off the edge if I'm not careful.
9.) The famous band mates are bitching me out once again. After Dari hit Mari (ugh.. confusing) Dari took off. Then the new drummer was a bitch, so I didn't stick around. Of course, what's a band without the lead guitarist? So Mari left. Then the rest of the band replaced us, but the new drummer didn't like it. So she left. The new singer got upset about everyone leaving, so she took off. Then the new guitarist gave up on the other people constantly being late to practice. So she took off. Then whoever was left just kinda shrugged and said, "See ya later." and left. Now they want me to come back of course. It's all bullshit. They were happy with the new guitarist. Call her back and shut the fuck up. I don't want to play EVER again. The piano is my instrument. I've played it for as long as I can remember. It is what I love and am good at, so fuck you guys and your shitty ass metal bands and your "Spice Girls gone bad" attitudes. FUCK!!
I really need to scream and throw some things. Then I'd draw attention to myself though and they would haul my ass off to Medical Lake faster than I could say "I'm sane, I swear." Ugh... I should have taken my meds.
So I'm going to go get drunk, take a bubble bath, and probably drown. Neato. Please call me people... I need someone to talk to. Anyone. Please?
~~~~~~~~~~~~ Updated ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I know most of you probably don't believe in ghosts, but some lady is coming to check my house out tomorrow. The things going on in this house are scaring the FUCK out of me. Like last night, the TV turned on and changed channels and a whole bunch of shit on its own. Time to make it stop. Ah well, just me being paranoid little me. Hm.
Also put up new colors. Winter is just about here (where I live) so blue and black are the colors now. Working on the new banner, since I never really liked that little five minute project I've got sitting at the top.
I might be in the chat tonight. Someone come entertain me. Not because you want to, just for the fuck and thrill of it. Yeaaaaaah.
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I am horribly miserable. Loneliness. I have realized tonight that my life isn't that great. I thought it was at one time. I thought it was so great that I could come home and sit by myself, thinking about everything while half listening to the TV. Getting drunk alone, while eating Easy Mac or some shit. Anything easy. Something quick. I remember when I used to do drugs by myself. Come home, get high, "relax", watch some TV, and take a bubble bath. I thought I was happy. It's amazing that I can fool myself like this. My needs are deeper now.
Perhaps I was just a kid then. Now it seems I want something else. Something that only a person can give me. Money can't buy it. I know it is an old line, but having "rich" parents really rubs it in. You just can't buy it. I don't want to take a bubble bath alone tonight. I would rather take a bubble bath with someone else. I would rather watch TV with another person. I would rather go out and eat with someone else. I would rather get drunk with someone else. But for now, I get drunk on my own. It numbs the pain of being unwanted, unneeded, and most of all, unimportant. I wish I was important to someone. I really wish I was.
Right now I am a broken toy. Someone broke me and has forgotten about me. They tossed me in a corner until they could fix me, but soon forgot, or gave up. As miserable as this person makes me for leaving me, I miss them very much. Especially when I'm alone. I remember things we used to say. I remember things we used to do. I remember things we told each other but never anyone else. Now that that is gone, I wonder if I'll have it again. People will tell me I am young, and that I've got a lot of my life ahead of me. People will say what you want to hear, but never anything that will really help.
Now I sit by myself and think about this. Was this person worth my time? Now I see that they just forgot me. How nice. They moved on. I cannot. For some reason, I am stuck on the past. Someone needs to push me off it. I need someone. It's already been a few months... but it has just sunk in. I want someone. I want someone so badly it hurts, but I can't have anyone. No one wants me. No one needs me. And I am important to no one. So fuck me.
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It's been 2 days since I updated. I feel kinda bad about not updating, but then I had things to do. And I really didn't feel like updating. What a confusing state of mind I'm in.
Lately, I've been doing a few things.
- Crying
- Sleeping
- Worrying
- Thinking about ______ (Guess, it's not that hard.)
- Buying clothes and other things I really don't need.
I've been crying a lot more than normal. Of course, I haven't really cried in 5 years. Just been really upset lately. It's not good, I need to stop it. Oh well, something we all do but no one ever admits it.
I've been trying to catch up on some sleep I've missed. Haven't been very successful, but I've only tried for a couple days. Maybe I'll get some good sleep.
I've been worrying about everything. Not really one thing in particular. Maybe a lot about my plans. Well yeah, a lot about my plans. Wondering about some of the decisions I've made. Wondering about some of the things that will change. Just worried.
And the fourth one is so easy. Travis is the only person I really think about. I miss him. *frown* I want to talk to him so bad. It hurts to want something this bad. Just to talk to him. Travis, if you read this, call me, please? 509-649-2385.... call anytime you want. I don't care. I don't sleep anyway, and I don't really ever leave my house. So please email or call or something. If you don't I might go insane. *sigh*
I always buy clothes and shit that I don't need. I guess it's the bad part about being female. I recently bought a couple pairs of pants and a shirt, a purple wig, and a really cool looking finger armor. *smile* I love shit I don't need. I will show off my purple wig one of these days.... It rules.
Another thing is on my mind. The possiblity of me in a looney bin. Not happy about it. Apparently a few people seem to think that's the best thing for me right now. I think the best thing for them would be eternity in hell, but we all have our opinions, no? Don't worry... I'm not going. Even if I have to act sane and leave my room once in a while, I'm not going. I'll do anything to keep from going. I am not going to do that kind of shit. Especially not at the request of others. You'd have to mother fucking tie me down and make me go if you wanted me to go.
So.... long post tonight. I shouldn't skip any days from now on. Oh well.... I have Travis on my mind now.... I shouldn't stop thinking, that's when I start thinking about him. I can't help it. The boy is so god damn perfect... Maybe not by everyone else's standards... but by mine... he rules.... *sigh* Get over it Tiffany... God.
Ooo, and I should probably bring something up since people are getting pissy. My name isn't Tiffany. Tiffany is what I go by because I absolutely hate my real name. My real name is Allison, but I just go by my middle name because... Allison is a bitch name. There. Fuck you antsy people. GOD!
Alrighty... now what can I talk about? Oh... my neighbors have decided staying up until 5:00 AM on nights that I want to sleep is a good idea. Well neighbors, Try again. It's not a fucking good idea. Not at all. I will go on a killing spree and kill your whole family. *evil laugh* Nah, I luv them. *cough*
I am just being pointless and annoying tonight. If I bug you on IM or call your house and annoy you or email you or anything... fuck... just tell me if I'm annoying. Alright... Too much energy. Sleep isn't good for me. Now you see why. I bounce off the fucking walls. Ugh... fuck.
I need to go get tired or something. Someone come over to my house and have wild sex with me. Tire me out. *grin* I'll stop teasing.... I think.
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| 08/08/2001 @ 2:12 PM |
Rebel
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I'm pathetic. As if you didn't know that already. Oh well. I just read a funny thing. I love these little joke things I get in my email. If it weren't for them I'd walk around being depressed without a laugh. Heh, I'll write it down somewhere.
Last night I had a weird ass dream. A friend (I'm not telling names, it was a dumb dream) who I like a lot hadn't called or anything for a month. Finally, someone emailed me this long page of broken up sentences. I didn't understand any of it, until I looked closer.
I noticed it was all written in really messed up HTML, so I took it to my computer and worked it out, then put it on my webpage. I read the whole thing, and just about had a heart attack. This friend had tried to kill him/herself by overdosing on some kind of drug, I don't remember what it was.
The part that scared me was this person was in a coma, but before they went into the coma, they had been asking for me. Saying that only I knew what they needed. But I really had no fucking clue.
So then this person's best friend called me and told me that I needed to get to the hospital because I knew something about this person that no one else did. But I really knew nothing. I have never touched this person before, how would I know something even this person's best friend wasn't aware of?
It was all very strange. The phone rang just as I was getting in my car to leave. The weird thing was, it wasn't even my car. It was someone else's. I am thinking it was that person's car, because I saw some of their stuff in it. But it is very confusing to me. Not a single sentence of it made sense to me at all.
I have realized something today. All of my friends come to me. They all cry on my shoulder. It is very strange to me for some reason. Perhaps it is because I never had anyone to cry on. I hardly cry anyway. The last time I cried was 2 weeks ago, and that was the first time in 5 years.
I always cry alone. It is beginning to bug me. I need someone. Dammit. I am lonely.
I am lonely, sad, bored, tired, and fed up. I am just miserable. My life is passing me by, and I am spending it alone and miserable. Fuck.
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| 08/07/2001 @ 5:59 PM |
Rebel
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It's been a while since I posted, no? Well, here's a few reasons.
- Tripod was having problems
- I was working on the new layout
- New layout had problems
- Had to work out the layout problems before I could post, otherwise posts would have been messed up
So, to explain it to all the people jumping up my ass about not posting regularly, I HAD FUCKING THINGS TO WORK OUT. GET OVER IT.
This makes me wonder about something. What would happen if my site crashed? Would these people all be in shock? Would they die? Would they bitch and complain? Yes, yes, and of course, yes.
It's fucking pathetic. These people rely on me to keep them entertained while they lose a few brain cells in front of the computer. Right on. I need more people that come here all the time, day after day. I fucking need more people. If I don't get more people, I am going to be a very sad Rebel. You don't want that, do you? No, you don't. So, send your friends, dammit.
So other than bitching people out.... being weak, missing Travis. I need to talk to him, dammit. Ugh, I hope I'm not fucking obsessed with him. I think I like him just a little too much. But then again, maybe I just really like the guy. Don't want to scare him though, so perhaps I should lay off? *sigh* I just don't know anymore.
I don't think I am obsessed with him. Travis isn't everything to me, just right up there with oxygen. It's pathetic. It truly is.
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